North Korea Destroys Brazil 12-0 in World Cup Play

With the closed and censored news of North Korea's State News Agency, I can only imagine how the match between North Korea and Brazil was reported on State television yesterday. If previous news stories about Kim Jong Il are any indication, I imagine my headline may not be too far off:

1. Kim Jong Il is the best golfer in history. Tiger Woods isn't fit to tie his golf shoes or clean his clubs. Kim shot a 38 under par, complete with eleven hole-in-ones in his first time golfing.
2. A true renaissance man, Kim Jong Il has also flown fighter jets and has written several operas.
   
3. According to school texts, When Kim Jogn Il was born there were spontaneous rainbows seen throughout North Korea and Spring came early in February.
   
4. Little children are taught that Kim Jung Il doesn't produce urine or feces; he transcends those basic human functions.
   
5. Kim Jung Il defies the inevitability of aging by injecting himself with the blood of virgins.

The entire team, called "Chollima" (a winged mythical horse) by the North Koreans is being sequestered behind the tightly guarded gates of a remote hotel in northern Johannesburg. Even their meals are brought in from North Korea; we wouldn't want the devil Americans to poison their food and ruin their chance at winning the World Cup. After all, when the soccer team losses some of the players are sent to coal mines as punishment for their poor performance on the pitch. Even worse, according to the AP, "some of the feted players from the 1966 team were said to have been sent to one of North Korea's infamous labor camps for squandering a promising 3-0 lead to lose to a Eusebio-led Portugal in the quarterfinals."

Success and failure is a State matter, so it's a good thing the team performed so well against the Brazilians, not because it's good for soccer, but because it's good for the lives of these young athletes.