Saturday, March 27, 2010

A Simple Prayer



Please Lord, let Sarah Palin run for president so that the 40% of the country who backs her can realize how empty her head really is.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Ridin' High on Stale Hearbreaks



So my band has just finished recording our first EP, the aptly titled 'Ridin' High on Stale Heartbreaks'. These songs were recorded in the short span of a late afternoon on March 21st, a day before the Spring, at Gismo Studios. Most were caught on the first take, all were caught live, with minimal banjo and accordion overdubbing of course. And for those interested, I wrote these, do the vocals and harmonica, and play rhythm guitar.

http://www.myspace.com/thestarfm

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I've Been TurboTaxed in the Ass


In case there's any confusion over the title of this post, let me set things straight: Being Turbo Taxed in the ass is a BAD thing! (although the lady in the picture seems to be enjoying it)

This afternoon I had some free time and I figured I'd finish my taxes. I started them a few weeks ago, but never finished because I was unsure the results I had received were accurate. Late last year my job moved to New Jersey, so this winter I had two W-2s (one from dirty Jersey and one from New York). After filling in all the fields I ended up getting money back from the Federal and Jersey, but owing New York. Naturally I talked to people at work to seem if they had similar results and wouldn't you know there wasn't a consistent pattern to what everyone's accountants were telling them. Some people were getting money back from both states, some owed both, etc. This uneasy feeling should have been red flag to just take my paperwork to an accountant.

Today, I said, was going to be the day that I just filed as they were, and if I'm audited down the road then so be it; afterall, we're not talking about big money one way or the other. I decide to go with the e-filing option, and even gave them my bank account and routing number so they could direct deposit money from Federal and Jersey and withdraw funds from my account for New York... then I get a "hey, sorry, you can't e-file because you filled out fields wrong, please don't leave this field blank or else you're going to have to print this out and your return will take forever to get snail-mailed." Naturally I grabbed the wrong W-2, and without noticing effected all returns and then hit SUBMIT.

I think look at the return numbers and it's showing that I owe Federal taxes of approximately $14,000 and owe New York State about $6,500!!! Shit, in that last "hey, sorry" noticed I had accidently doubled my actual income and had inadvertently authorized the government to take $20,000 out of my bank account ($20,000, mind you, that isn't there to begin with). I begin dreading the future overdraft fees and the interest on paying out funds that aren't there. My bank will mess with my rates and ruin my credit! I'll be taken to the poor house!

I called TurboTax and they told me, "You shouldn't have hit submit." No shit, Sherlock. I wanted to stop everything that had transpired in the last 20 minutes. I wanted a refund, I wanted TurboTax to retract my submission, etc. Of course none of this could be stopped. They told me I'd have to wait until my taxes were accepted or rejected by the government and they told me, "hope and pray they don't accept them." I got on my knees and started hoping as hard as I could, conjuring all thoughts of hope I could think of, and even said a quick prayer to Rodney Dangerfield (now that he's dead, I pretend to give him a little respect). Two hours later I get an email saying.... My Federal taxes were accepted and they'd withdraw the funds shortly.

I immediately called my bank and told them to remove Overdraft Protection (so they couldn't take more than what was there). I wanted to close my entire checking account so that when the government went to look for it, they wouldn't find my money, and would be forced to wait for checks that ARE NEVER COMING. Now I basically just have to wait until tomorrow to cancel my checking account (I couldn't do it tonight due to pending transactions). Then I have to mail in amended tax information, and wait for the refunds.

What a pain in the ass, huh? I should have been paying closer attention and should have just paid some accountant to figure this out instead of using TurboTax. But who would've known there was no going back after hitting SUBMIT? Now I've got my bank, my tax preparer, and my government very, very confused... At least tomorrow we'll all have healthcare, right?!

Hardest Part

Friday, March 12, 2010

Birthday Boy Was Right

To create is to preserve love — Eye said this as Eye begun; Eye say this now.

Eye guess it was only a matter of time for a PitCrew sticker to end up on the cover of Mountain Xpress.
To celebrate our Child in Heat (a deaf white cat living equal to me), we orchestrated a few Songs for the Twitterpated and Hormonally Estranged. New show every Tuesday at 10 can be found here.

I Just Wasted 9 Minutes of My Life Watching This Crap, Care to Repeat My Mistake?



Other than seeing Gaga's pixalated vage in the tranny prison this is total drivel. I mean I get it that she's trying to be the new Madonna and be all edgy and all, but this is just shit. Madonna had, um, what's that word I'm looking for...Oh yeah, Talent, and that other word....Oh yeah that's right, Good Songs. Gaga is a bunch of crappy beats with her going "eh eh eh oh oh oh blah blah blah" like some sort of robot while putting the most ridiculous outfits on that have no sense of anything to them. And as a Tarantino fan I'm offended by the use of the Pussy Wagon (small detail I know), and as a music video fan I'm offended by the whole damn thing. Uhh this broad is terrible terrible terrible and I fear that she's only going to further propel pop radio deeper into the doldrums. And the lyrics are some of the most juvenile to have ever been played on the radio. "I have no service, I'm in the club you see. Wha wha what did you say? Your breaking up on me. Sorry I cant hear you I'm kinda busy".

Here let me help Gaga and write her next song for her...let's call it...pixalated vage...first a beat *boom chica be bop boo ping pang boom chica be bop boo ping pang pang pang* Okay now for the lyrics...
"Pixa pixa pixalated vage, I've got a pixa pixa pixa pixa pixalated vage
Cause my songs are shitty so in them tabloid mags
They say I got a dick so I'm showing them my pixa lated vage

It's 4 4 4 4 oclock in the afternoon
and I'm si si sitting here in my room
with my ca ca ca ca ca ca ca ca ca ca camera out
and I'm a show all you suckers what it's all about

I got pixels running up and down my vage
Cause showing my pussy just aint that rad
But if I put squares all over my snatch
then all trendy people will know just where it's at

Pixa pixa pixalated vage, I've got a pixa pixa pixa pixa pixalated vage
Cause my songs are shitty so in them tabloid mags
They say I got a dick so I'm showing them my pixa lated vage"

Wow, that's a hit fucking tune right there...let me get some cyborgs playing parcheesi in the video, and we'll put a floppy hat on Gaga that has Oscar the grouch on top of it and a tutu on her...yeah that's edgy. And we'll have her driving a tractor in the video tilling the land...you know, to represent her coming over the hardships and all...I think we're on to something here. Let me get 13 Puerto Ricans and a donkey to fill in as extras in the video and we've got a smash hit. Uhhhh, somebody fucking shoot me.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Here Comes the Appocolypse, Better Grab a Plow!



Whether it be the second coming of Jesus, Zombie plague (that's my personal favorite), pandemic flue outbreak, or that Negro President of ours taking us to socialism in a hand basket, it's time we all prepared for Armageddon. And fortunately for us the nice advertisers that pitch their products during the commercial breaks of Glenn Beck have an answer...your very own Survival Seed Bank.

Monday, March 8, 2010

The Armpit Collection XXIX: It Was A Wonderful Life



Sparklehorse - It's A Wonderful Life

Spurred by Mark Linkous' suicide, please check out It's A Wonderful Life. I only very recently started listening to this record, despite multiple attempts by my old lady to turn me on. I didn't connect with it at first. I've now come to find it to be a gorgeous record, deeply melancholic, but also melodic and very, very rich. I rather enjoy it's listening experience from headphones; sonically speaking, it's very intelligent.

Also see Dark Night of the Soul.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Heimo's Artic Refuge



"Brrrr!" This from Vice.tv. They've produced raw, intense, videos on that site. Definitely worth checking out, but be forewarned about their Vice Guide to Liberia. You will experience multiple terrible images for your eyeballs to regrettable see. It is only to be watched when idealizing the idea that man is inherently good natured... you realize how man's life can be solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short. Compelling footage to say the least... Vice has also teamed up with CNN; not too shabby for an alternative, journalistic Gen-X start-up.