King of the Deathmatch '08: My Hate for Hillary

So I've sat here and tried to think of various clever ways to break down my disdain and growing hate for Hillary Clinton. I've thought of clever sport metaphors, I've thought of riffing off Glenn Beck's "she's Stalin in a pant suit" line, I've thought of laying out various semi coded racial remarks her and her staff have made, but none of those seem to convey the true meaning of how I feel. I feel the only way to declare my loathe for her is through sheer blinding rage and a reference to Japanese wrestling.

As anyone who knows me knows, I follow politics as a second religion. I've seen every presidential candidate debate over the past year, Republicans and Democrats, I watch on average 40 hours of political coverage in a given week, I've watched all the announcement speeches when they've decided to run, I read about the candidates policies, I fact check online, I read the blogosphere, I watch there speeches, hell I even watch the phone in hour on CSPAN now. Russert, Matthews, Scarborough and Maher have become like members of my family I watch them so much. Hannity and Colmes are like my gay neighbors, O'Reilly is the sheriff, Blitzer the county clerk, and Dobbs the angry mayor trying to get rid of all the illegals. There's Rudy and McCain, the leaders of the local militia, Huckabee's the pastor of the near by First Baptist church, and grumpy old man Thompson sitting on his porch rocking back and forth in his chair. Mr Edwards leads the local union, and there's this Obama fella speaking down at the black church with white kids littered throughout the pews. But out in the highfalutin area of town is the mother fucking Clintons.

Now I must admit, I loved Bill. I truly truly did. His skill as a politician, the way he could bend words, work a crowd, make you believe he felt your empathy, he was an absolute master. Also I was a fan of a good portion of his policies. But there was always one thing about him I didn't like, and that was his wife. With her wretched look, her incessant clapping, and her screeching voice, not to mention her healthcare debacle. I never trusted her. I would've given my life for Bill but something about her I never trusted.

Fastforward to last spring when Hillary sat on that couch, looked the cameras directly in the lens, and said "lets talk, lets start a conversation" in this sweet sincere voice. But from that moment on she's been nothing but a full blown raging bitch. I've watched her run on her husband's experience as her own, her surrogates have accused Obama of being a cocaine dealer, and a Muslim, she's butchered the truth, questioned Obama's record on the war when he's the one who said in 2002 "I'm not against all wars, just dumb wars", she voted for the fucking war. Stood up there, after NOT reading the intelligence reports, and authorized the "Authorization for Use of Military Force Against Iraq Resolution of 2002" and then went on Meet the Press and said she did NOT vote for military force...WHAT? That makes no Goddamn sense Hillary. You're a fucking liar. She will do anything to win, including cry like a bitch. Now I feel for people with tears, I truly do, but when you cry because you are loosing an election and say through your crocodile tears "Some of us are ready, and some of us aren't, some of us are right and some of us are wrong" then that counts as crying like a bitch.

But then the worst happened, she brought out the beast, Bill Clinton. The current king of the Democratic party. The man with 83% approval rating with Democrats. A self proclaimed feminist using her husband to fight her battles for her, ironic aye? He went to New Hampshire and said "I cant make her younger, tall, or male", played the gender card, and then obscured Obama's war record. Then he goes to Nevada and continues the games, the lies, and the half truths. And then he goes to South Carolina and says he's going door to door church to church to beat Obama. Well you know what Bill, Fuck you. Fuck you and your sorry ass wife. You two may be wonderful politicians but you have both become shitty ass people. You take peoples words and twist them for your own gain, you tag team up against your opponent, and then when someone attacks you back you go 'aww shucks, they're getting frustrated'.

When Teddy Kennedy and Rahm Emanuel have to call you and tell you to tone it down that's sad. When the head of the black caucus, James Clyburn tells you to "Chill", then there's a problem. Hill and Bill have gone too far this time and have made me loose all respect for them. If they get the nomination, and I say they because from the way they are campaigning this will be a dual presidency, then I will not vote or will vote Republican just out of spite. And yet they claim that after disenfranchising the black electorate and the youth electorate that the Democratic party will 'come together', that after the Clintons and Obama have beaten and bloodied one another that all will be well, well you're wrong.

And for some reason all of this strangely reminds me of the 1995 King of the Death Match final between Cactus Jack and Terry Funk. Well there they were, the young charismatic Cactus Jack, versus the wiley veteran in Funk, battling over in the Orient in front of thousands of fans. Barbed wire was wrapped around the ring, boards rigged with barbed wire and c4 were in the ring, ladders, chairs, and the whole ring was rigged to blow at 10 minutes in. They hated each other and were willing to do anything to win. Funk was DDT'd head first into the explosives, Cactus was thrown into the barbed wire, they raked oneanothers faces across the barbs, they damn near killed themselves. The ring even exploded at one point sending fire and sparks into the air. But as Terry Funk laid there motionless in the ring Cactus climbed the ladder, crimson mask and all, blood so thick over his face he could barely see, ready to drop the elbow, but at that moment Terry stood up and pushed Cactus off the ladder sending him and the ladder into the barbed wire. But as he hit the wire the force of it sent the ladder springing back catching Terry in the face knocking him out in the process and allowing Cactus to regain his composure enough to crawl over and pick up the victory. But the difference in this bloodbath and the one playing out on the campaign trail is that both of these competitors shared respect for one another, a respect Hillary knows nothing of. So yes Hillary, You and Obama can beat and bloody one another all along the eastern seaboard and then across the February 5th states, but until you start showing some respect then you will have no chance of reconciling the party. But hey, maybe we'll get lucky and when you push Obama off the ladder it'll spring back and catch you in the face!